I don't accurately know how to love people, although I do love them. I feel these are two different things. They are complementary to each other, but only up to an extent. After a point, the individual skills are on their own.I am a very single-dimensional human being. It has pretty much been the strength and the story of how I have lived my life. And with each passing year, I am not sure about this strength anymore. These kinds of strengths do well with goals, but with life, I am not very sure. I have generally believed that money can buy affection. Okay, not affection, the correct sentence would be that I know only one way to reciprocate affection, by spending money on people I love. I always wondered that I could buy shiny things for the people I love, and they would experience the same emotion that I felt when they did something nice for me. Slowly, and over a period of time, I have started to realize that money, in general, is a very fragile reciprocator. It is mostly a multiplier. Not having it makes every other reciprocator zero, but just having it doesn't help much.

It is an amplifier that gets you a good time. You see, money gets you the "good," but not the time. "Good" is a multiplier to time, but time is still a new reciprocator that needs its own value in that expression, otherwise, the product does end up being zero.

It's a bit sad sometimes when you start hating your beliefs and your direction pointers. Okay, I think hate, in general, is an extreme emotion. I think it's more about not being too proud of your compass, the driving force. I have never ambitiously liked the idea of having a lot of money. I rarely have such aspirations. Most of the time, they come from FOMO and the people around me. I rarely have urges to buy something expensive or nice for myself.

The urge to have those zeros in my account is driven by fear, fear that there will be problems in the lives of people I love, and the only way I could ever get close to solving those problems is by adding those zeros to my account. And honestly it isn't a false statement. Crying doesn't get you far. Cancer, in general, is expensive, and more than the expense, there is the guilt of not being able to afford that expensive thing. It is also a bit strange that even in the most honest acts of kindness, the human mind is still selfish. I pretty much get why an individual would want to save the world. It's not the saving that gives him sleep, it's the "I saved it" part. It places you next to God, that too in your own eyes. Okay, I kind of exaggerated the selfish part, but you do get my point. Certainty, in general, is a prized possession in the human conscience. All of this is pretty ironic because I hold a pretty cynical view about dying. I honestly understand that people die. People you love also die, and it's ugly. There is nothing pretty about death. What I don't like in all this is the idea of not knowing how to handle it. There must be a way, a pattern to it. Like, can you teach me it in a class? Can I be better skilled at it?

-r